Teenager Again? Too old to be young, too young to be old....

I was alarmed recently during my morning routine of face and skin care to discover a new outcropping of acne along my browline and around my chin. Acne was never an issue for me as a teen but suddenly as I approach my 40th birthday I am breaking out as if I were 14. What a confusing duality to have Crow's Feet AND Acne at the same time!! How can I be breaking out like a teen, and yet I see body parts sagging as though I am an older woman?  I sighed as I began to scrub my face and pondered the many contradictions in my life in the past few months. As I approach my middle ages (yes, I refuse to admit I am probably already middle aged), I am beginning to realize that my life is a jumble of contradictions and am also beginning to realize that I am probably in a bit of an identity crisis as a result. Suddenly I feel too old to be young and too young to be old.

I was very young when I got married. I was only 20. My husband and I were a bit aimless (as most 19-20-21 year olds are) and we just kind of fell into married life. Neither of us followed a career choice really, often we made choices that put our desires and goals on the back burner because we needed to merely survive. We had our first child together when i was only 23. I was still trying to figure out how to be his wife when I became a full time mommy to my daughter. My life became my daughter (and subsequently her sister as well a couple of years later). My world literally revolved around their needs, their activities, their desires. I fell easily into the roles of wife and mother and happily i remained there for quite a long time.

As I approached my mid thirties, I began to feel a shift inside of me. I began to realize that as my girls were getting older they needed me less and less. We were doing a good job raising them...they were independent, well- adjusted and confident people. I took great pride in my role in that. And as wonderful as that felt to me, I began to realize that I was missing something...an identity of my own. My girls were growing up more and more and now that they are teens I realized I had nothing I could call mine. JUST mine. I wasn't me, I was his wife...their mom...her/his friend. But WHO WAS I?

It sounds trite, but the last couple of years have been a journey of sorts for me and I am still a bit lost on this trip. I am looking for myself and seem unable to get a handle on who that is. I was making some choices on this search that were very out of character for me and not all of them were healthy or good choices. I guess some might say I was having a "midlife" crisis. I wouldnt necessarily argue it, but I would not simplify it that way either.

I took a child psychology class once a few years ago that explained the different identity phases a person goes through. In the course of studying this, I discovered that a person goes through not one but TWO adolescence periods. Now obviously you can only be a true adolescent once but the phases are very similar. Initially when I read this, I could not completely relate. My children were a few years younger and so was I. I wasnt there yet. But when my older daughter became a teen, it was as if I hit my "second" teen phase too.

Now maybe because my daughter was a teen that I began to experience this second adolescence.  Maybe I was envious of the future that lay ahead of her, maybe I was meloncholy for the carefree nature of life back then, maybe I missed the excitement that came from having boundless choices.  Nah....I remember my teen years.  They were angst filled, depressing at times and difficult.  Why in the world would I want to relive that?  Nevertheless, I am there.  Much like my daughter, I am pondering what the future holds for me.  Who do I want to be as my children grow up and leave the nest?  What do I want do with my life, how do I want to act?    Even as I ruminate on these questions, my body seems to have a mind of its own (much like during my teen years)...with hormonal shifts (ranging and raging emotional shifts as well...), acne breakouts, pms reminiscint of my early puberty years, irregular periods, strange food cravings and increased libido. (the one benefit to my mid life years) What cruel joke is this that I would be a petulant teen at the same time as she is?

But I do not want to be a teen again.  And I definitely do not want to be one of those women who look like they are desperately trying to hold on to their youth by getting breast implants, botox, dying their hair very blonde and dressing like her 16 year old daughter.  I would like to look refined and classy without looking middle aged.  And most importantly I want to FEEL young.  I absolutely refuse to get old in my mind.  My body may change and I might not like the physical changes but I can remain young in my spirit and mind.

So I guess I am at yet another crossroads in my life.  Unsure of what direction to go.  It's a strange and confusing place to be here in the middle of my life pondering what I want to be when I grow up.  If I am too old to be young and too young to be old, what does that make me?  I guess it doesn't matter, maybe I just need to hang on and enjoy the journey for now.  Maybe the joy will come from rediscovering or perhaps for the first time discovering who I really am and what I was meant to be.  In the meantime, I could do without the acne.