Melancholy Rain

Sitting in melancholy silence watching the rain~it's as if heaven is sobbing with me.  My heart is aching and my tears match the drops that fall outside my window.  The steely storm clouds rolling in match my mood, cold and gloomy.

The soft days of our youth were ephemeral and I grieve their passing.  Even with it's challenges, life was hopeful and full of promise then.  We faced each challenge with zeal and expectation. Our love was new, fresh and exciting, nothing existed in this world that we could not conquer together.  We moved past each disagreement, never allowing bitterness or resentments to test our resolve.  We were united as one, two hearts beating in unison.  Singular in our commitment and bound together by love we strode confidently into our future.

Memories invade my soul, my mind, my heart and I find myself longing for those carefree days.  What went awry along the way?  When did we begin to hurt each other?  Why?  Cruel words replaced sweet nothings, thoughtless acts supplanted kindness.  Candor was abandoned and secret worlds were created.  Lies were laid upon lies until we built a fortress of them.  We began to drift away from each other, our bond one to another became weak.  Without alarm we became complacent and ambivalent.  As if on a journey that we began together, we took divergent paths and when we turned around to see where the other had gone, we could no longer find one another.

My words to you were hurtful, a knife to the heart each time.  Your words to me were daggers as well.  My acts were selfish and devastating; born of a wounded heart and a mourning spirit.  Your actions cut to the core of me and I did not know how to bear the pain.  I lashed out in my pain and I hurt you.  Never, in my blissful past, could I have imagined causing you such grief.  You were my best friend, my truest supporter, my soul mate.   I would have defended you with my life.  Now our lives are in ruin and I am wracked with guilt and sorrow.

My love, my heart,  I am longing for the closeness we once shared.  Where did my best friend, my lover, my sweetheart go?   Why if we are still here can we not find our way back to each other.  I can see you...but as if grasping at handfuls of sand, I cannot seem to get to you and hang on.  The words you say are the right ones, but I cannot feel their honesty.  I am weary and suspicious.  You must be feeling the same way.  I would not blame you if you do. I am numb and confused.  But still I hold on...my truest hope is that hope will return.

My heart is heavy and my tears continue to flow unleashing torrents of emotion as I sit in melancholy silence watching as the sun tentatively emerges.  The light is becoming golden and soft, I can see below me in the soft earth, the smallest green buds...they survived the storms and offer promise of new life.